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The Day of the Dead
#1  jaxx6166 02-19-2009, 08:47 PM
Needs new title and major editing/revision but it's 99.89% complete..

Sam Reibert is the son of the Mayor of Lyton. Supporting character is a heroin addicted homeless psychic, who is almost like Yoda to Luke. Main antagonist is a priest who is looking for something similar to a fountain of youth and power.

It's been sitting on my HDD for the better part of three years, I can offer it up for free or donation as soon as I can clean it up. It's nothing major and is nowhere near my best work (took 6 years on/off to write during HS/College)

It's mostly nonsensical and silly, but it took me forever to write it and this was my first long form story so..
[lrf] The Phoenix Rising - David Kerschner.lrf (312.7 KB, 691 views)
[zip] The Phoenix Rising David Kerschner.zip (123.4 KB, 680 views)
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#2  jaxx6166 02-19-2009, 08:49 PM
Page 1:

The papers piled higher and higher. The day dragged on in a constant monotony. It was nearing five when a knock sounded against his door. It rang out eerily, ominously in the stillness of the office and the permeating silence. Graham shuffled some papers to the side before calling out. He expected his assistant, Raul, to enter the door, but instead he was greeted by two uniformed Police Officers.

“Mr. Lazario?” The younger officer asked solemnly, his eyes never leaving the ground.

“Yes? What can I help you gentlemen with?”

“Do you know of a man named” He paused, “Christian?”

“I have a brother named Christian, why?”

“Sir, can you come with us?” The younger officer said, his voice growing in confidence.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Graham looked up suddenly, averting his eyes from the countless story ideas littering his desk.

“Sir, please. It’s important you cooperate with us, we will explain everything.”

Stern eyes pierced Graham, and then suddenly all at once they softened.

Graham weakened, his eyes becoming misty, “What happened to my brother?”

“We need you to identify…a body.” The younger officer’s voice cracked.

He stood up then, news articles flying left and right, he wobbled over towards the officers. They walked out of the building and entered a waiting police cruiser.
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#3  HarryT 02-20-2009, 03:11 AM
Nicely written, but your punctuation needs some work. Take that last paragraph:

Quote
He stood up then, news articles flying left and right, he wobbled over towards the officers.
It's definitely wrong to have two commas in there; I'd suggest either making the first one a semi-colon or an dash, or changing the second one to a full stop.

ie, either:

Quote
He stood up then; news articles flying left and right, he wobbled over towards the officers.
or

Quote
He stood up then, news articles flying left and right. He wobbled over towards the officers.
These two alternatives have quite different meanings, of course. You need to decide which one you prefer!
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#4  Dr. Drib 02-20-2009, 06:58 AM
Yes, what Harry is talking about is called a run-on sentence. It's very easy to fix: Just insert "as" before the word "he." [...as he stood up....]

Getting to the content/atmosphere/suspense:

I like your opening and the sense of aloneness and mystery that you portray. Your opening hooked me in about one page of reading.

Thank you!


Don
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#5  HarryT 02-20-2009, 07:02 AM
Quote Dr. Drib
Yes, what Harry is talking about is called a run-on sentence. It's very easy to fix: Just insert "as" before the word "he." [...as he stood up....]
Yes, that's a lot better than either of my two suggestions - thanks!
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#6  jaxx6166 02-20-2009, 10:05 PM
Haha. I know. It needs work =)

I'm thinking about taking it and doing a Warbreaker.

For those not familiar, it's what Brandon Sanderson(Mistborn/WoT) did with one of his novels prior to publication. He put it out to the public and edited/fixed things as they came up. Versions 1 through 93294294294324 existed.

I'm glad you guys are reading the excerpt. I'll try to edit as I go along.

Thanks again!
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